Bad Ass Dude

Replace knife with a road sign

If you don't know, I have a very, very short drive to get to work.  The other day, during that short drive, I saw something awesome.

I was stopped at the stoplight, the only stoplight I have to hit, when I saw this truck pull up across the intersection from me.  It was an all-white truck, with some sort of seal on the side and a bunch of tools sticking out of a truck-tool-holder thingy in the back.  I assume this truck and the worker inside of it worked for the city, or the county, or the state or whatever.  Anyway, the dude pulls over on the side of the road, just past the intersection and immediately jumps out and crosses the street.  The dude had a sleeveless shirt on, jeans and a bandanna wrapped around his head Rambo-style.  He walked over to the road sign, which was one of these, and began yanking on it.  Not "yanking"  himself on it, but yanking on the sign. The sign was crooked, so this guy was straightening it out, I guess.  I suppose that was his job for the day, go out and straighten road signs to make the city a nicer place to be.

It was awesome because of his attire.  It was hot out that day, so these clothes were a necessity, I suppose.  He needs to stay cool, while also looking cool straightening road signs.  It was just the way he parked it, jumped out with his headband/bandanna, strutted over and straightened that bitch into place.  He was well aware of all the traffic around, so he had to know he was being watched by the people stuck at the red lights. He had to look like he was tough, like he could bend that fucker in half if he really needed to, if that's what the job entailed.  He did straighten the sign out, filled in the hole that was left behind with his badass boot or shoe, strutted back across the road and carried on to the next crooked, Nashville road sign.  Boom.  Done.  Take that, crooked road sign.  Eat it.

I Failed the Test

A few days ago I talked about driving and bad drivers and whatnot.  TheloniousZen was kind enough to inquire about the time I failed a drivers test.  It's something I often forget about untill I think about that subject.  Yes, I failed a drivers test.  It happened.

This was me, essentially 

On that fatefull day in early 1999 ( I think) I arrived at the Econo Foods parking lot with my mother in her 1993 Honda Accord.  I had pocketed my "lucky" quarter (not sure what made me believe it was lucky, but I was a teenager, the thought of a lucky item was appealing) and was all set to take my independent road test.  First off, you had to do a series of parking maneuvers before you were going to hit the road with the tester.   I was required to pull forward to a stop bar, then put it in reverse as if to back into a parking spot.  Then, I had to pull forward and parallel park the car into another spot.  These were things I had accomplished before in drivers training and as a practice driver with my mother, but on this fateful day, everything went horribly wrong.

First off, when I pulled forward to the stop bar, I apparently was about four feet back of the line instead of actually up to it.  To this day, I can't believe I did that.  I never, ever make that mistake anymore, when I tought myself that if you line up the bottom of the side rear view mirror with the extended stop bar, you'll be right on it.  This works.  Try it out, if that's not something you've done before.  So anyway, I was like four feet too far back.  To me, that's not that big of a deal, but apparently to this jackass administering the test, it was.

Next, I had to back into the parking spot that was surrounded by road cones.  There were seven cones set up for me to fit the car in.  the back five had big sixfoot polls sticking out of them, so naturally, I aimed for the one I could see.  Turns out that the front two didn't have sticks in them, so since I couldn't see them, I totally ran the closest front one over.  I was aiming for what turned out to be the middle cone.  I guess it made it worse because I didn't notice that I ran the cone over and kept on driving into the spot.  WHOOPS...

So yeah, then I had to parallel park, which I TOTALLY NAILED.  First try, I parked that bitch right in there.  Still to this day, I'm a pretty decent parallel parker.  So the next part was to take the car to the road with the tester in the passenger seat so see how well I could handle the road.  But we never got that far.  The dude obviously had a hot date, because he said that I did so bad on the parking lot tests, that I have failed already, and I would have to reschedule the test and repay for the test.  He said that running over that cone was the worst thing I could do, because what if that was some kid.  My thought was "MAYBE DUMB KIDS SHOULDN'T PLAY UNDERNEATH THE TIRES OF MY CAR, EH?"

So that was that.  I failed my drivers test.  I didn't drive AT ALL for one entire year, until I decided to try taking the test again, this time with a different tester.  With zero practice and zero hours driven for an entire year, I passed the test the second time...Which makes me really hate that asshole who administered my first test.  There were no sticks in the cones closest to me, damn it!  How could I see that?  All the other cones had sticks in them, why not the front ones?

So much for that lucky quarter.  I went home and chucked it against a wall.  I probably then spent it on a bottle of Faygo, or something.  Proved to me that there is no such thing as lucky quarters or whatever.  It taught me to not rely on luck in those situations, and if you want to succeed, you have to just be good at it, not lucky.  

I Can't Drive (at all)

They say Tennessee drivers are some of the worst in the nation.  According to the results of a test done by GMAC insurance in 2010, Tennessee is the 33rd worst state of drivers.  Anyone who lives here will cry bullshit, as these morons are the worst drivers I've ever seen.  It's common knowledge to everyone who drives here and have driven other places that these are top 5 worst drivers in the nation.  It didn't really don on me exactly why until Friday night at dinner at P.F. Chang's.

Our waiter was originally from Michigan as I am.  He was talking about how awful the drivers are here, and he knew why.  You see, in Tennessee, you don't really have to do a whole lot to get a drivers license.  All you have to do is go to the DMV and take a written test and an eye exam.  Then, if you pass that, you get your learners permit.  You must log 50 hours of driving time (10 of which have to be at night) with an adult over the age of 21 in the passenger seat, wait 180 days, be 16 years old, and BAM, your a legal driver in the state of Tennessee.

Now, according to my research, that's all it takes.  I could be wrong, and anyone who lives here if free to correct me, but I'm pretty sure that's it.  In Michigan, you had to take drivers training, log so many hours of on the road testing with the instructor, pass a written exam, and then you could get your level one permit.  Then you had to log so many hours with an adult and you have that level one license for six months.  Once you get passed that, you had to go to the level two classes, pass another test, and then you could get your level two license.  Then, you had to go take a road test with an independent, third-party road testing organization (which I totally failed the first time at the age of 16).  Then blah blah blah blah.  You get the idea.

You have a lot more hoops to jump though in Michigan to get a license.  This of coarse makes you learn how to drive better.  While it's less of a hassle in Tennessee, the folks here didn't learn how to fucking drive, obviously.  Not that I'm a better person for having gone through all that back in Michigan, it just makes me a better driver than you.  So maybe the state needs to take a look at their system of getting a drivers license in the first place and perhaps do a bit of upgrading?  After all, the road is a dangerous place, especially when everyone is just winging it.  By the way, on the list I mentioned above, Michigan was the 37th worst drivers, so that's not all that much better than Tennessee, but it's still better.  And like I said, anyone who drives here would agree these test results are total bullshit.  Tennessee has the worst drivers, okay?  I just told you why.  

I Can Clearly See Your Nuts

I saw something the other day while driving home from bringing my wife to work. I was one of those things like what I saw back in March when I was driving, when I saw something for a brief moment and was inspired to write an entire blog about it. Well that happened again. This time, it was a little bit more profound.

I was going over the overpass on Rosa L. Parks Boulevard off the I-65 exit when I saw a man walking towards me. He looked very shabby and one would have to assume by his appearance that he was homeless. I don't want to immediately say for sure that he was homeless because I don't have proof. Anyway as I looked closer at him, I realized his pants were falling down as he was walking. I could also clearly see his nuts. What struck me was that he didn't seem to care all that much. It made me imagine what he had gone through in his life to get to the point where you can be walking on a busy road with cars everywhere and have your balls hanging out and not care about it. On the other hand, he could have mental issues, and therefore has no filter for such things, but this also cannot be confirmed because I didn't talk to him. I try not to talk to people that have their balls hanging out. Not that I think I'm better than someone who has their balls hanging out, but if he's walking down a busy road, but I just think that would be an uncomfortable situation.

To be at a point where you're private parts are just not so private anymore, that's where he appeared to be. It helped me focus on what's really important in life. It helps me to realize that where I am in life is not so bad. It obviously could be much worse.

The (different) City! (Time to search for my favas kiwwa!)

Alright, so as I have described in great detail in the past, I moved to Nashville a year ago, and hangin' out in this city has felt like I was on a year long vacation. I lived in that small town, and I remember when we would go on a trip, weather it was with Upward Bound, or with the high school band, we would go to a metropolitan area, and it was a cool feeling to be in that environment. The city! What excitement! All the hustle and bustle of the big city, cars everywhere, people in a hurry, checking their watches with their coat over their arm, carrying a briefcase, waving down a taxi. You know the image.

Well, this past weekend, I traveled to another big city, Atlanta, GA. That feeling of being in a special place was lost. It was just another area with a lot of people and tall buildings. Taller, prettier buildings, might I add. It was not nearly as intimidating to traverse the area, because that's the type of driving I do most of the time now. Big city driving, getting over three lanes on the interstate so you don't miss you're exit, not turning down one-way streets, things like that. That feeling of awe at the hustle and bustle, that was all gone. It was a weird feeling, not caring about the big city atmosphere.

So yeah, now all I have left to do is stand in awe of something bigger. That's why I stand naked in front of mirrors.