A Return to Homesickness

*** I read this over once before posting it and it's really jumpy and hard to read, so I apologize for that in advance.***

Two years ago today I wrote a post on this site about homesickness.  How odd it is that I return to that subject two years to the day?  It's like I've applied a layer of dirt to my brain.  The dirt is me covering up the life I used to have back home.  I've tried so hard to bury it underneath my new life here in Nashville.  Every once in a while I dig into the dirt and find the little spot that used to be my life back home, and I sort of forget everything I've done to cover it up.  I litterally forget where in the world I am sitting for a little while.  I have to snap back into reality and realize that I'm in Nashville, not the U.P.  All it takes is to read a news article, or a few facebook posts.  It's really bad when I go to Google street view and look at all the images from home that you can access.  I lived there for what, 26 years?  It's home.  I didn't really leave the area for more than a week, ever before I moved.  It's the weirdest feeling to snap back to reality once I try to.  I realize where I am, and it was like I was in some sort of trance.  I cover those memories back up with the mental dirt, and carry on with what's real, the present.  I dealt with crushing homesickness for a while after we first moved here, but it got better and better.  When I went home for a few days in February, that helped a lot, seeing everyone and everything again.  But every once in a while, I dig that dirt up, and realize how much I miss the comfort of home.  Even if I went back, it's not the same for me anymore.  I miss being ages 0-26 in Negaunee, not 28-death in Negaunee.  You can't ever go back to that time, but you try to, and recreate things like how it used to be.

I try to remind myself that the past is the past.  Don't dwell on the past and try to enjoy the present, because someday, I'm going to want to go back to this very moment as well.  All you can do is try to have the best time possible in the current, and hope you remember these days with fond memories.  The best ways to do that is to just cherish the moments as they come.  As I grow old, I realize that life moves pretty quickly.  If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you might miss it.

Sorry to get all downer, but that's what's on my mind.  Back to writing about stupider shit tomorrow! 

Taking Small Things For Granted

365 days ago, I got into my Volkswagen Passat, and started driving south. 14 hours and 960-some-odd miles later, I was in middle Tennessee. Save for the trip to Atlanta this past weekend, I haven't left yet. I miss home, but I'm glad to be where I am, because this is a life experience. I've talked enough about that, though. What's really got me going this morning has nothing to do with my current location.

Tuesday morning, I awoke like usual, and grabbed the newspaper from outside my apartment door, as usual. The next thing that is the usual, that's where it gets unusual. I ground up my coffee beans, and put them in the filter in the coffee maker. I added the water, and plugged the coffee maker in to the wall outlet. I hit the brew button, and...nothing. Nothing happened. I hit the brew button again, aghast that it didn't do what it was supposed to do, and it just sat there, looking at me, while I looked at it. The coffee maker was broken. It's weird how things will just stop working properly sometimes. It's one of those things you rely on, but don't think much about. I make coffee every morning in that coffee maker, and it's always just there, working, ready to brew delicious coffee. When it didn't work, I didn't know what to do, immediately. Like I said, it was morning, so I'm not thinking clearly. I remembered that we have a french press that is an alternate way to brew coffee, though not as efficent, because you use more beans for less brewed coffee. So at least I can still make coffee, but I was probably more shocked at the fact that there was something I relied on and it just...stopped working.

So now I gotta buy a new coffee maker. That one wasn't even that old. 2 or 3 years, I believe. In the meantime, I'll be drinking the coffee from the french press, and all the sludge that comes with it. I'm not complaining about having to make coffee in the french press, because it works just fine, I just wasn't expecting it.

A Yooper in Nashville

Yesterday, I wrote a little reminder to all y'all that I'm not dead. I had to do it remarkably fast because I was at work. Now, I'm home, and I'm taking a break from cleaning the apartment to type some words.

First off, I wanted to point out an interesting finding I came across. I put a reader poll up about the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and more importantly, who my readers think would win the Cup. It was posted and closed before the first round even ended, and like usual lately, I only received one vote. The vote, as you can see, if for the Montreal Canadiens. At the closing time of the poll, that prediction seemed a bit far-fetched. (*note, I actually don't know if that poll closed before the Habs upset the Caps in the first round, but I think this is the case. Also, I'm pretty sure whoever voted there voted before that epic win, so it's most likely true) Turns out that prediction has a real good chance of coming true. So I'm going to leave that up there, so all readers can see how awesome that one voter was.

I had this amazing feeling of cool city hipster this morning, as I drove down I-440. I was sipping on a Grande coffee from Starbucks, smoking a Camel, listening to the Big Dave and Company Podcast, heading to Whole Foods. As I looked to the skyline to my left, feeling haggard considering the hour of my journey to the grocery store, I felt like I was a part of the city, not just a resident, but someone that you would look at and say, "he looks like a city boy" or something like that. I never felt like I fit into the country, small-town atmosphere. No idea why that is because that's where I come from, but I guess I've seen enough images of "city folk" in my day that I felt that's where I want to be. I like living in a city. All things I want are a short drive away. There's just stuff going on, and I like activity.

Next week, on the 21st, that will be my one year anniversary here in Nashville. My prospective of the difference between the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and Nashville, TN, is really becoming less easy to point out. Not that I totally forgot what it was like to live in the UP, but I feel more a part of this city now than before, and I like it here so much. I really do. And that makes easier to forget the UP. I have to learn to forget it, because it's still painful sometimes not being there. I've completely come to terms with what my life is right now, and I really like what has happened. I used to wonder everyday, "what am I doing in Tennessee?" now I say to myself everyday "I love my life."

I'm a proud Tennessean, and a proud Nashvillain. Villain!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

You're never gonna believe this people, but I miss the Ojibwa casino more than I thought I ever would.

That's right, I miss just about everything. I'm not saying that I'm getting all sappy and down-in-the-dumps about being away from home. I just miss everything about the casino. Even the addicts. Let me go into detail of a few things I miss/remember about my days at the Casino.

I miss running up the stairs to the break room/time clock area like a speed skater.

I miss stopping over at the coin booth to chat with the lonely looking casher that got stuck there.

I miss watching sportscenter over and over again with Melka.

I miss betting on stupid shit with Melka.

I miss talking about baseball with Mike Berry.

I miss playing Cribbage in the Cashier break room with Mikey, Duke, Guy, Big Dave, Crawford or A-Webs

I miss watching someone play a slot machine and pretending it's my money.

I miss stopping into the bar, watching what's on TV, drinking some Diet Pepsi chatting with Bartenders and Waitresses

I miss spending an unnecessary amount of time watching YouTube videos in the Tech Office.

I actually miss getting yelled at by Seymour. (just a little, but not totally)

I miss working midnights, getting my paycheck right at six a.m. even though I can't leave to cash it for 2 hours.

I miss troubleshooting a problem on a slot machine

I miss talking about Softball and the League

I miss the Onion Rings. Seriously, those were damn good.

I miss talking Basketball with Ryan Higgins.

I miss hearing Duke play the same 3 System of a Down or Fall Out Boy songs.

I miss guessing the number on the Roulette wheel.

I miss Melka talking about how much he loves Aerosmith.

Most of all, I miss every single person that worked there. Every last one of them. I thought of Chris Hillier yesterday. How he's all weird on the outside, but really, he's just a computer nerd and harmless. BJ, Dewey, Garm, Butt, Duke, Mikey, Goob, Jay, Mary, Rob, Tom and Kim VanLinden, Jesse, Shawn, Jake and Dawn, Rick, Super Sarka, Michelle, Gabe, Ryan, Plesh, Chris Higgins, Big John, Lil Johnny and Christine, Dave from Housekeeping, hell, all of housekreeping, All the Cashiers, All Security, All attendants and supervisors, all Bartenders and Waitresses, all techs that have come and gone, all the Dealers, all the pit bosses, all the Guest Services people, even Surveillance.

Yes, I can't go back, and I will always have my memories. I hope to see you all again soon enough. Really, It's only been a mere 10 months since I worked my last shift at the casino (the night of May 14th, 2009) but it really feels like ages ago. It's funny, this started out being a normal blog about missing the casino, not in an emotional way, but now that I think about it, it's hard not associate any feelings to these things. I miss em all. I hope they feel the same way about me.

JP brought it back, so I will too.

So Jason Pettigrew brought back his blog from the death bed, and even though I doubt ANYONE will read this, I am doing the same. I always struggle with the idea of promoting my own blog adventures. What if I put shit in here that I don't really want people to read? Perhaps, I shouldn't do that? But then there's always the shameless feeling of shameless self-promotion? Don't know, man. But i had been thinking lately how it would be nice to chronicle the homesickness, so I will know exactly how i felt on a day to day (or week to week) basis. You know, document my ups and downs. So I am considering a serious blog revival. It's not like I don't have time for it. I usually just fuck around all morning, not doing anything productive. Reading the paper and drinking a lot of coffee is a problem I have been dealing with. I do this routine every morning, and I think i should change it up once in a while. So consider the Blog a change-up to my morning paper/coffee fastball.

Alright, about that homesickness thing...Yeah it's been rough. Ive been told by friends that have moved away from the U.P. that it never really goes away. Tom Featherstone told me that it gets better, but never goes totally away. This was also the sentiment of Tammy Runstrom. That truly sucks to hear, because if it never goes totally away, what will I become in the future? I have been toeing the line of a complete wreck in the last couple weeks. I pick up my guitar, even though i don't really claim to know how to play it. Not to say I suck, but lets just say I only know like, 7 chords. Whatever, what I'm saying here is that I really want to express my "pain" through song, but I don't know how to write a vocal melody. I just follow the melody of the tune, which apparently is pretty amature. Every time I pick up the guitar, I end up feeling worse off, because i don't know what I'm doing.

But yeah, I miss everyone I know. And that hurts, knowing i wont be able to see anyone I love besides my wife for a long time. I am so excited for when Caleb and Megan come down here eventually. They are the only people that are even talking about coming.

Tim called me the other night which was a pleasant surprise. Unfortunately, after i got off the phone with him, I ended up feeling even worse. He told me that after the departure of Andy from the band, which marked three fifths of Dead Cities now departed from Dead Cities, they were still truckin' on, finding a new name, but still playing Tim's songs from Dead Cities. This bothered me a little because I was really hoping to get the Dead Cities album finished so I could have a record of the greatest time of our lives. But if Tim and TJ are taking their songs to the new endeavor, those are no longer Dead Cities songs. Therefore, we only have Andy's songs as Dead Cites material. FUCK, MAN. So I see it as, "piss on the past, we're moving on." I know I shouldn't feel that way, because i really want those guys to keep on playing music. I can't, nor want to stop them. It's just frustrating that I wont be a part of something that I realistically should be a part of. This is the hardest issue i have to deal with in moving 1000 miles south. My band. I miss my band more than I could have imagined upon departure.

No one told me that the homesickness would get wayyyy worse before it gets a little better. Nashville is a cool ass town, but it's not even close to the Greater Negaunee-Marquette area.