A Boost of Energy?

It really works

There are two things constantly on my mind lately.  The Nashville Predators race to the Playoffs and the impending birth of my first born child.  One, you would say, is seriously more important than the other, and that is true in the long run.  But in the immediate, both are equally important to me.  That's all I really have to say on that subject.

I'm not sure if this new gum is actually doing what it says it does or if it's all mental, but I'd have to say that this new Stride "spark" gum does what it's advertised to do.  It claims that it has b6 and b12 vitamins in it which give you a boost of energy when you chew it.  Now, the cynic in me says "fuck you, advertisers," but the dude chewing the gum says "yeah, that totally does that."  You see, I didn't know there was anything special about the gum when I grabbed it off the shelf at the store.  I just wanted some gum, and I always grab whatever is the newest flavor.  I'll try every new flavor of gum once, especially if it's the new flavor.  Typically, I'm enjoy the gum, with a few major exceptions, which I'll discuss in a minute.  But this gum, this one tasted pretty good, I'd say.  I chewed a few pieces, and found the experience pleasurable, I guess.  It wasn't until a few pieces in that I noticed the packaging said it had these vitamins in it that give you the supposed boost of energy.  That's when I realized that while chewing the gum, I had a serious uptick in finger drumming.  I thought, "yeah, that did that!" even though I'm typically not one to buy into that bullshit.  If you want B vitamins, eat a fruit or vegetable, ya sucker.  But no, I didn't just believe I had more energy because the label told me I would.  I noticed I was more alert and stuff.  When I have a lot of pent up energy, I drum my fingers.  This made me do that.  Honestly.  I'd say try it out, but I believe that now that I have pointed this out to you, you will probably say you are experiencing a placebo effect.  I'm not sure how you could test this out, but I found that my unknowingly getting this energy boost if proof enough for me.

Now, as far as buying a new gum that sucked ass, that would also be a flavor that Stride came up with.  It's called Sweet Cinnamon.  Holy fuck was that shit gross.  Now, I like cinnamon gum every now and then, like any typical dude or chick might.  Not my favorite, but I can handle it.  I bought it because it was new, but it just burns you tongue and makes you want to gag and hurl.  So gross.  I ended up giving an almost full pack of gum to someone who said they wanted it, and I was glad to get rid of it.  Totally gross.  Don't buy that, just trust me on this.

So yeah, gum is good.  Most of the time, if you see me with gum, it's probably the newest flavor available.  But if I can keep on finding this Spark kind, I'll keep chewing this for as long as I can stand the flavor.  Because it works, damn it.

Wanna Buy Em'? Real Cheap.

Right this second, I'm supposed to be grocery shopping, but I had to run home to take a dump. Whilst shitting, I got really inspired. Well, to be honest, I got inspired yesterday, but I was watching the NFL all day, so I didn't want to take my eyes off the screen for 10 minutes to write anything.

With the start of the NFL season, I will now spend the Sundays between now and sometime in early February with my eyes glued to the television for approximately 10 hours straight. It's amazing to me, because when someone asks me what my favorite sport is, I usually respond with "baseball." This is true, baseball is my favorite sport, but there is no ritual to watching baseball like there is for watching football. Ever since I was a young lad, it has been ingrained to my brain that you spend your Sundays watching football all day. I learned this from my Dad, and it has carried on to me, and I hope it will carry on to my children someday as well. But football isn't even my favorite sport. I watch more football than any other sport, and I'm pretty sure this is true for all of America as well. No, not pretty sure...this is a fact. The NFL is a monster because millions of people just like me spend their entire Sundays camped out on the couch with snacks, beer, and other assorted health hazards and watch grown men chase inflated, misshapen, funny-bouncin' balls around all day. So how does the NFL cash in? By selling massive amounts of advertising. Yes, it gets very irritating seeing the same companies advertising the same shit for 10 straight hours, but we just kind of live with it, and hope that there are two different games going on at the same time, so we can flip the channel when it's commercial time. Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Budweiser, Miller, Coors, Verizon, AT&T, Sprint. Cellphones, trucks, and beer. That's what I gathered from watching the NFL yesterday. Also, the Titans need to shape up their offense in a hurry.

It's probably sad that I know that out of those companies listed above, of which there are three of each category, I know which ones are the "official sponsors." Coors, Ford, and Sprint. How do I know that? Repetition. Does it make me want to buy any of those products any more than the others? No. These companies are huge, huge companies. And what got my brain churning was asking myself why on earth they need to spend millions and millions and millions of dollars reminding us that they exist. That's the reason for advertising, isn't it? To remind us all that they exist, and when we are making a purchasing decision, to keep them in mind? I'm pretty sure that the majority of Americans are touched, one way or another, by each of these nine companies. I drive a Ford, and I have AT&T phone service. Do they spend the millions and millions so no one else can enter as competition, expect the established ones as listed above? For some reason, Anheuser-Busch needs to fucking remind you every four to 13 minutes that they sell Bud Light and it gets the party started when you drink it. It obviously works, because they do it. They are a business, and they make decisions to make them more money, and it must be by throwing a ridiculous amount of money at the NFL to have the privilege to do so. That's the only problem I have with Sundays in front of the TV. Too much bullshit advertisements.

I hope someone got the Goonies reference in the post's title. Please say you did, and don't lie.

Live Life To The ULTRA

It's amazing to me how often people fall for Michelob Ultra's advertising campaign. I've been out to bars, restaurants, casinos and stores that sell beer and I have noticed it a number of times. Usually it's a lady, usually in her 30's or 40's, and she appears to be in shape. She has seen the ads in her magazines or on television about the beer you can drink when having a good time, but you can also be an athlete. When I think of beer and athletics, it usually involves watching sports, not actually playing. Also there are the amateur men playing golf or softball. Not exactly world class athletes, even if they are talented at what they do. The point being, they usually aren't too particular in the calorie content of the beer they choose, because they aren't usually trying to maintain a form. They just like to get a little tipsy while doing something active that they enjoy. It's leisure time, not workout time.

For example of what I'm talking about with Michelob Ultra, there is an ad in this Sports Illustrated that I'm reading that made me stop in my tracks to blog for the first time in forever. It features Lance Armstrong, Seven-time Tour de France champion and all-around well respected athlete, intensely riding a bike, clearly in the lead of the "race" he's involved in. Perhaps it's not a race at all, as he is just kinda riding a bike, but nonetheless, it's intense, serious. As if to say, you can be a serious workout-a-holic, and still drink beer in you're leisure time. Let's face it, beer isn't good for you. I don't care how good it tastes or how good it makes you feel. It has calories and what not that, as you know if you know anyone that drinks a lot of it, will put pounds on you. I've known plenty of people that used to be skinny and healthy that started drinking a lot of beer all the time and suddenly, you start to ask yourself how they let themselves go. Those people must not be drinking Michelob Ultra, obviously, because if they were, they would be like Lance Armstrong, intensely riding their bike, winning seven Tours de France.

The problem I have with Michelob Ultra is that it tastes like water. Now I know that lots of people don't drink light beer because light beer tastes like water and they want a beer that tastes like beer, but Michelob Ultra really does have very little taste to it. The other problem is that it boasts being better for you by having 2.6 grams of carbohydrates and 95 calories. By contrast, Miller Lite, Busch Light and fucking Natty Light all have 3.2 grams of carbs and 96 calories. That is a difference of one calorie, and 0.6 grams of carbs. I'm no health expert, but that seems pretty minute. And if you want to drink beer, chances are you like the taste of it. If not, Michelob is you're choice because it tastes like water. The alcohol content is basically the same for all four beers, but the taste is significantly different. Not all people like the taste of Busch light or Natty light, and the fact that they are Anheuser-Busch products make me not want to purchase them, because that company sucks, but they certainly taste better than Michelob Ultra. Fuck that beer, man.

The one beer out of the four I have mentioned above that I do have a tendency to purchase is Miller Lite. Miller Lite tastes good. It tastes like beer. The problem is that I was informed by an anonymous friend whom was working for a company that was doing tests on Miller Lite's artificial hop flavoring. So you're telling me that it tastes great, but is also less filling because it's not real? I'm not sure if this information is well-known or if I'm supposed to even know this information, but I do, and that makes me question everything these companies are doing. In the spirit of selling "healthy" beer, they're probably all adding bullshit to the beer to make it taste better. Maybe Michelob Ultra doesn't add artificial hops flavoring? Maybe that's why it tastes like water? I do not know the extent of the artificial flavoring going on in the mass-market beer world, but I do know that I've tried my best to swear off the big guys as much as possible. This is possible here in Nashville because they have a wonderful brewery here called Yazoo that makes real, local beer that tastes way better than any mass-marketed beer you could ever find. In fact, all over the country there are microbreweries and craft brewers that would greatly appreciate you're business. Not that I'm totally against big corporations, but most of them suck, and we all know it. Beer companies are no different. Because they sneak in artificial hops flavoring into their beers. I'm sorry but that just sounds wrong to me.

So Michelob Ultra (an Anheuser-Busch product, might I add) wants you to know that if you drink their beer, you can be like Lance Armstrong and be an athlete. And people believe that. Advertising pisses me off...Unless it's Old Spice.

Advertisements.

I was real fired up last night as I was trying to fall asleep. My mind was racing and my thoughts were spinning. I wanted to get up at that moment and write down what I was thinking about right here on this very page I'm typing upon right now.

But now that it's morning, the moment is lost. I could probably bring it back by trying hard, but I feel it would be a forced anger. I had really good points to bring up, too.

Lemme give it a shot.

I was sitting in my bed, thinking about how advertisements piss me off. Especially advertisements that are not directed at me. It's funny because the ads I like are the ones in which I am the target audience, which is the whole point. By the way, we're talking about television ads at this point.

Commercials in the USA, Adverts in the U.K.

Examples of commercials I like and dislike are easy to see why. I like Old Spice commercials. They are funny to me. I haven't seen a Old Spice commercial that I don't like in a long time. On the other hand, there is a particular Kashi commercial that can go straight to hell. It depicts nice lady explaining that she works for Kashi, and it's her job to go around the world and find the best ingredients for their products. So they show her walking through what looks like a rain forest, meeting locals, grinding cacao, and licking her finger, as if to say that this is where the chocolate comes from in their granola bars. HIGHLY UNLIKELY. I'm not buying it, motherfuckers. Oh, I'm sure the Kashi company decided to send this nice, kinda hippie-ish, but not too hippie-ish, kind of mom looking woman into the forest to gather some berries and cacao, to put in her little satchel and throw over her shoulder, so she can take it back to the company headquarters, and MAKE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF GRANOLA BARS AND CEREALS.

Fuck you, Kashi.

You know what? That wasn't forced at all.

But I like Old Spice commercials because I am the target audience. I'm supposed to like that. The target audience for the Kashi commercial is a woman, probably over the age of 21, but under the age of 55. That would be my guess. That's clearly not me. It's funny how my wife points out how I fall for advertisements all the time, which is sorta true. I do buy Old Spice products, more than I used to. She can see right through their ad campaigns, as I can see right through ad campaigns that are not targeted for me. So whatever works. Basically, I don't like commercials, I don't like ads. Whatever you call it, I don't like em'. Except for Old Spice. They do a good job.