I Quit: I Ran Outta Patches

I ran out of nicotine patches the other day.  Each box is a two week supply, and my two weeks ended on Tuesday.  I've had a nicotine-free body since then.  It's not horrible, but it's not great.  Yes. I'm worried.

Doubt is slipping into my head, doubt that I can really live without nicotine.  I have no idea why, obviously I'm smart enough to know that I can physically go on living without it.  But there's just some sort of pacifier effect, I think, that I'm missing out on.  I'm just used to having it, to soothe me.  I mean, c'mon, how hard is it to just not smoke?  Just don't do it.

I didn't buy more patches, even though the program said I was supposed to.  I screwed it up again.  Well, as long as I never go back to smoking ever again, I'd say it was a huge success.  As of right now, I'm a non-smoker,  and a non-addict.  A former addict. No, that's no good, I can tell I'm still addicted, it's just more manageable now.  Feels good to say that out loud, though.  But there is that idiot part inside of me that is giving me an excuse to go buy cigarettes, or bum them, because I didn't go through the program correctly.  "It's not my fault, it's the patches that I didn't buy/want to pay for."

God I hope I'm smarter than I think.

It's especially tough at work, where there's boredom, which causes the need to kill time, and this used to be done by smoking on the smoke deck.  Now I have no reason to get up and walk, which gets old fast.  Sometimes I go and stand out there anyway, and it helps a little.  stretch out the legs, get some fresh air, stuff like that.  I don't know, this is tough, and I now have an excuse to let myself fail.  But that's the easy way out.  I will try.  I will try to do this.  I want to feel like I'm above the average failed quitter.  I want to move on from this.

Okay, that's all.  I'm super tired.