Just a Little Hiccup

I think of all the strange bodily functions we humans have to deal with throughout life, the hiccup has to be the strangest of them all.

Let's think about that, and see if I'm correct. There's the burp, fart, cough, sneeze and the hiccup. Well, that's at least the five things I wanted to do at the same time when I was a kid. I figured if I burped farted coughed hiccuped and sneezed at the same time, I would probably die laughing or my head would explode. Either way, I wanted to find out. Well, it never happened, but I still make a note of the times I do any combination of these things.

Like "oh I just burped and ripped one at the same time. Sweet."

Well, I bring this up because I have been getting the hiccups a lot lately. Now if anyone remembers the last time I was getting the hiccups all the time, something was going on, and I was very vocal about my experiences. This time around, I'm getting hiccups, and for the same reason, but deliberately keeping quiet about it. I just don't feel the need to announce it this time.

Anyway, the hiccup. From what I understand, it's when you're diaphram doesn't sync up with your breathing or something like that, and it makes you lurch and jump and look like a moron. So here I am, walking around work, hiccuping, apologizing. That's pretty much my life these days.

The sneeze is pretty neat, too. It's like you're nose says, "get the fuck outta here, irritants." And you expel whatever is bothering your nose. It's like your nose has a built in bouncer for things that are causing the other customers to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Your nose is like "86" and boom, out goes the hooligans. And you can't close your eyes when you sneeze, or else your eyes will pop out of your head like that guy in Mexico we all heard about as a kid.

Burping and farting? They're just expelling gas, but you can make those acts halarious with the right angles. The Cough? Not sure that really counts. That's sorta like a sneeze, how it's you trying to get rid of shit, but it's just not as spectacular as a sneeze. You can sorta feel a cough coming, and you can take medicine to suppress a cough. They make cough medicine, they don't make sneeze medicine. I mean specifically.

They also don't make hiccup medicine. At all. They make Gas-X for burps and farts. They make Buckley's for coughs. They make cold and allergy medicine for sneezes. But what is the cure for hiccups? I'll tell you, folks.

It's peanut butter. Works every fucking time.

I'm not a scientist, but I can tell you that the results in my life have been 100% success rate with peanut butter curing hiccups. Every fucking time, as I said above. Next time you get the hiccups, get a spoonful of peanut butter and eat it. I guarantee it'll work.