Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Opinions on Every Major League Baseball Team

Right off the top I want to let the reader know this post is about baseball.  This post is going to be long and opinionated.  This post is being completed out of request, but it's also something I would really, really like to write down.  So if you don't want to read about my opinions on baseball teams, then you have my permission to close this tab out right now.  If you want to skim it, that's fine, too.  But don't say I didn't warn you.

There are 30 different teams in baseball, some of which I like, some of which, not so much for one reason or another.  I do have an opinion on these teams and all the ones inbetween.  These are my feelings.

I would also just like to say that I am an Atlanta Braves fan living in Nashville, TN by way of Negaunee, MI.  This skews my perceptions of the other teams in the league dramatically.  Here is my opinions on the 30 Major League Baseball teams, in no particular order.

Atlanta Braves:  I have been a Braves fan since the 1991 world series, when as a 8 year old, I was enamored by the 50,000 people at Fulton County Stadium doing the Chop in unison.  I had never seen anything like it, and I was hooked.  Plus, it was the World Series, and a classic Series at that.  Unlike other sports, I have never strayed from my fandom of the Braves, 20 years running now.

Baltimore Orioles:  Baltimore is probably my favorite lesser-known American League team.  Let me clear a few things up during my Baltimore section, I root for underdogs, I root for small market teams, I root for teams that have been around a long time and I generally have a National League bias.  Baltimore falls into three out of four of these categories   I don't care who is on the field, and I probably won't recognize 80% of the player they do have on the field, but Baltimore is like the forgotten AL east team.  If I'm choosing who to watch on MLB.TV, I will chose the Orioles.  Something about them is just "off the beaten path" of baseball teams.

Colorado Rockies:  The Rockies are a team I cared absolutely nothing about until they made a deep playoff run in 2007, and now I see them as a legit team that could make noise in the playoffs every year.  My preception of them has always been that they sold a lot of tickets, hit a lot of homeruns, and lost a lot of games.  They also gave a terrible contract to Mike Hampton, and that makes them look stupid.  But they made a World Series, so they're legit in my eyes.  Todd Helton.

Seattle Mariners:  Do-nothing, bad magagement team from Seattle, who used to play in a dome.  Ken Griffey Jr.  This team always sucks even when they won like, 110 games or whatever in 1998, or whatever.  My current opinion of them, MEH.  I'd watch them, but I just don't care about them one way or another.

Chicago White Sox: Let's see, the White Sox.  Never liked them.  Frank Thomas.  Play in US Cellular field, which I don't think there exists a more boring stadium to watch a game on TV from.  There or Turner Field.  Stadium asthetics matter to me, especially if I have no other reason to watch because there is no rooting interest.  I like them because they are old-timey, but that's about it.  They do have one of the best hats in the baseball, though.  Very iconic.

Pittsburgh Pirates:  Now this is a team that fits into all four of my catagories of teams I root for.  They've been around forever, have sucked for years, play in a great new stadium, are in the National League and are doing okay so far this year.  I think he Pittsburgh Pirates is cute, unlike their football team.

Toronto Blue Jays:  Fuck the Blue Jays.  I've never liked them.  They play in a stupid dome, they have astroturf, they have ugly uniforms.  They play in the American League, they won stuff, and usually hang around in the standings, so their never too terrible for me to feel sorry for them.  They are one of my least favorite teams by far.  If I see the Jays are playing the Mariners or the Rays or something, I'll turn MLB.TV off and watch Maury.

Tampa Bay Rays: Used to be a cute lovable loser team, then they got successful and I loved every minute of it.  I still think it's crazy that the Rays are any good, at all, ever.  They were so unbelieveably bad for so long it's hard to believe they made a World Series.  But they did and they are a perrenial contender now.  But warm fuzzy feeling of their championship run is long wore off, and now I just think they're boring.  MEH to the max.

Houston Astros: Never really liked them, but never hated them.  I like their weird stadium, sort of, but I sort of hate they put that mound in center field, just for the sake of putting a mound in center field.  I understand that they did it so I would include it in my blog post, and it has a sort of "hometown field" feeling to it, where the ground is imperfect and they just have to "make do with what we have to deal with."  Buy you purposefully installed a hill into a wall...for a gimmick.  Most old ballparks had odd deminsions because they were on a weird city block that had to account for fitting in somewhere, like the old Polo grounds in New York.  It was super long, for reasons that I'm sure weren't a gimmick, but because they had to do it that way. It was fucking 500 feet to straight away center, which no one every hit a homerun to.  No, the fucking Astros just built a mound out there to be assholes.  Also, it used to be called Enron feild, so that's funny.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:   When I see the red box on the on-screen scoreboard in the top corner of the screen with the letters LAA in them, I want to slit my own throat.  Oh my fucking god am I sick of the Angels.  They're like the west coast Yankees, and they get the coverage they deserve because they have been very successful for a number of years now, including a World Series championship in 2002.  I was all about them then because they were the underdogs.  Rally Monkey!  Yes, now they are just a boring, bland, blah, fuck you baseball team.  I would say the Angels are the very last team I would choose to watch.  But it depends on who they're playing against.  Disney.

Kansas City Royals:  Now there's a team I can get behind.  They're like the Orioles, only shittier.  I like them because they haven't done shit for years.  I think that's something I could root for.  I think it's because I watched them a lot when I lived in Michigan watching them play the Tigers that I have a positive feeling towards them.  Go Royals.

Texas Rangers:  God I hate the Rangers.  You would think since they haven't done shit in the entire existence of their franchise that I would like them, but I just don't.  I hate their uniforms, and their logo, and Texas in general, arbitrarily I might add.  There is just absolutely nothing that excites me about the Rangers.

Oakland Athletics:  The Bash brothers of McGwire and Canseco were my heroes growing up.  I loved those guys even though I wasn't a fan of the team.  I hate the stadium they play in now, and even though they made a lot of noise with their moneyball techniques, I still feel sort of MEH on them.  They are by far my favorite team in the AL West, however.  But that doesn't take a whole lot.  I don't mind the A's at all except their stupid football stadium they play in.

New York Yankees:  I respect the Yankees for winning 27 world titles out of a possible 106, and have appeared in 40 of them.  The Yankees have appeared in 38% of all World Series' played.  That's insanely higher than any other team.  The Giants and Dodgers are tied for second most appearances, and those combined appearances don't even equal half of what the Yankees have accomplished.  The Yankees have been successful since the 1920's with an exception of the 1980's, I guess, but you get the idea. That's one missed decade out of nine, so far.  What I respect the most is that they will do whatever it takes to win, something I think that gets lost on other teams owners and General Managers.  Do what it takes to win.  Forget about the finances.  Just go win some championships.  That's the goddamn reason that Major League Baseball, or any sport for that matter, is played.  Just because they spend money and are successful does not make them evil.

Boston Red Sox:   I didn't want to put the Sawx right after the Yanks, but I have to get it out.  Fuck these clowns.  The whole Massachusetts "we're family, we're great, we do this we do that" bullshit needs to stop right now.  Like, everyone from Boston just has this "we're from Boston" attitude.  Just like people from New Jersey do.  When the Red Sox started making a run for a title in 2003-2004, everyone got enamored with the "Reverse the Curse" story, and the Curse of the Bambino.  Hell, even I was on my couch screaming at the TV, cheering on the underdog Sox!  What a great story, a ragtag group of highly paid losers take down the Yanks and go on the win the title, after 93 years of heartbreak.  Then the massive bandwagon showed up, and suddenly everyone one you know who casually watched a few baseball games was a huge Red Sox fan.  That bothered me more than anything.  Also, right around that time of them winning a title of two, their payroll was just as big as the Yankees was, but no one said they were evil because of it.  No, fuck that.  The Yankees have won 27 world titles while you assholes were off being shitty for 90+ years.  Go fuck yourselves and your bandwagon jumpers.

Chicago Cubs:  These are some Lovable Losers I can get behind.  I have a soft spot for the Cubs because the first MLB game I saw live was at Wrigley, which is an amazing place to see a game.  It's like walking into a time capsule, where time stands still.  Sure the Cubs suck, and someday they will win a championship, but not anytime soon.  Over 100 years of futility.  That goes against my Yankees arguement, but remember, before the Red Sox won some championships, I felt the same way about both teams. If the Cubs went on a run of championships and everyone jumped on their bandwagon, I'd probably hate them, too.  But they haven't, so I still like them.  Go Cubbies.

Detroit Tigers:  I was a Tigers fan before I was any other type of fan.  They will always be my second favorite team.  I love the Tigers.  I want them to do well.  I follow them.  I am a fan.  They are old-timey, too, so that helps.  All my friends are Tigers fans.

Cincinnati Reds:  The Reds fall into the exact same category as the Pirates.  Underdog team that hasn't done shit in years.  National League team.  Very rich history of success and failure.  I like their little ballpark too, and that it doesn't have a corporate sponsored name.  The Great American Ballpark, while a bit of pretentiousness because, you know, you just called yourself a Great American anything without really earning the title... But still, I get a feeling form the Reds of just some guys playing baseball on a Saturday afternoon.  I feel like the Reds are what baseball is all about.

San Fransisco Giants:  I've never liked them.  I think the fact that they have the Cheveron car mascots applied permanently to their outfield wall is fucking stupid.  Otherwise, I like their ballpark.  It's a place I'd like to visit.  The team has some good, exciting young talent to them, which I love.  Posey, Sandoval, and Lincecum, for examples.  Also, once they got rid of the image of "Barry Bonds and a bunch of other dudes," they became much more admirable in my eyes.  Old-Timey!

Arizona Diamondbacks:  Would this team just go away, already?  They wore purple when they entered the league, if I'm mistaken, and if you notice, they don't anymore.  They also went to wearing black, which every single team that enters a league as a new team does after they regret choosing purple or teal as their primary color.  Think about it.

New York Mets:  Fuck the Mets.  Always and forever.

Florida Marlins: I used to hate the Marlins when they were good, now I just hate them because of the divisional rivalry with my Braves.  They suck, though, so I don't worry about them.  We're TEAL!  Just kidding, we wear black now.  We play in an 80,000 seat football stadium that we will never, ever be able to fill.  They're getting a new stadium with a retractable roof, so we'll see if that helps my perception of the team and their empty fucking stadium 

Philadelphia Phillies:  Phuck the Phillies.  I can't stand them because they have become the big money spenders of the National League.  I know I said I respect the Yankees because they spend money to win, and winning is the point, but this is fucking with my favorite team.  The Phillies are really good, and they're in the same division as my Braves, so I don't like them.  It's a competitive thing.

Cleveland Indians:  No problem with the Indians.  They're like the Royals and the Orioles.  Only difference is they've come close to reversing their misfortunes in the recent past with a few trips to the ALCS and even the World Series int eh 90's.  They have the second longest Championship drought after the Cubs, so I'd like to see them win one.  Cleveland sports suck in general, so you gotta feel for the fans of the city sometimes.  I don't like them like I like the O's or the Royals, but I do see them in a positive light.

San Diego Padres:  Take em or leave em.  I have a Padres hat.  They used to have Brian Giles and Jake Peavy.  They play in a pitchers park.  Tony Gwinn.  I don't know, I just don't care at all about San Diego.  I'd say right now they are the most irrelevant team in baseball.

St. Louis Cardinals:  This is a team I didn't like much the past few years because they were good, but boring.  I had no reason to root for the team, since they never really have been all that bad since I really started watching baseball as an adult.  Pujols is the fucking man, one of the all-time greats, and he's not even done with his career.  He's a true gem for baseball.  I'd say the Cardinals are that really good team that always  gets overlooked, sort of like the Spurs in the NBA.  Yeah, yeah, the Cardinals are good again.  No surprise there.  We take advantage of in knowing the Cards are always good.

Milwaukee Brewers:  I have seen the Brewers live more often than any other team, so there's that.  I like them a lot.  They're like, my third favorite team, just because I've spent so much time at Miller Park.  The ultimate small market team, you just have to pull for them.  There is no smaller small-market team in any sport, I'd say.  Football has rules for revenue sharing and salary caps to prevent the big guy against the little guy, and it's an even playing field.  In baseball, there is no such thing.  The Yankees are the top, the Brewers are the bottom, in my opinion.  Go Brewers.

Minnesota Twins:  I've never really liked the Twins.  I always hated the dome and the astroturf, but even now that they play outside, it hasn't changed my feelings towards them.  There's just something about them that I don't like.  The Twins should be an inspiration to all the other small market teams out there though, it proves you can be successful with a limited amount of resources.  I'm just sick of seeing them,

Washington Nationals:  I liked them better when they were the Expos.  But they are the Nationals now, and even though they're in the same division as my Braves, I don't hate them because they are not a threat.  I don't love them like I do most other small market teams, but I defiantly don't hate them like I do other division rivals.  I hope they do well, I really do.

Los Angeles Dodgers:  Lastly, we have the Los Angeles Dodgers.  What can I say?  I think it's a shame what their going through with the ownership thing and with the bankruptcy thing, but that's business.  I like their tradition of being good.  I think if the Dodgers are good, it's good for baseball.  I like their blue, I think it's pretty.  I love listening to Vin Scully call games while he still does, and I put Evie to sleep to his voice as often as I can.  It's one of the true old-school elements of the game that still legitimately exists and isn't a reprint or fabrication of past traditions. There's something decidedly sixties about Dodger stadium, which is slowly becoming the third stadium behind Wrigley and Fenway in being one of those legendary places of baseball.  I just don't like all the empty premium seats up front.  It looks so goddamn cheap.  No one sits there because no one wants to pay those ridiculous prices.  It makes you look greedy.  Let the damn kids sit in the front row, for gods sake.  Isn't that why we play all these regular season games?  So families can come out to the ballgame and have a good time?

So to summerize, I feel indifferent to mid-market teams with moderate success.  I hate teams that have bandwagon jumping fans or are in the National League East that aren't named the Braves (or Nationals, I guess.)  I love the small market teams that never win anything.  I like the Tigers and Braves the most.  If I have to choose five teams other than the Braves or Tigers to watch a game of, I will choose, again in no particular order:  Reds, Pirates, Orioles, Royals, Dodgers.  But if you know me, you know I'd absolutely love to watch a Padres Diamondbacks game or a Mariners Angels game if it's on.  I just love baseball, no matter who's on.






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